Jul
02
"You're too skinny to be eating all that cake and chips."I turned around and smiled hesitantly at the man behind me in Bi-Lo's only open checkout line. He was wearing shorts and a t-shirt and looked like he was in his late 30s. Maybe the type who watches ESPN all the time. He was buying some painkiller and an ace bandage. I explained that my cart full of food was for a party, not just for me.
"Looks like there will be some underage kids at that party," he said. Before I even understood what his point, he started talking about how much you can tell about a person by what they have in their grocery carts. I guess I agree. I don't serve alcohol at the parties I throw. Maybe that should tell you something about who I am.
Then he started making jokes about his age, and I didn't really understand why. "I'm so old I sat behind Jesus in 3rd grade!" he said, laughing loudly. I gave him a less enthusiastic smile and started to turn back around, hoping he would get the hint that I didn't like his joke.
But apparently he thought he was quite funny. "Why are you wearing a whistle? Either you coach some children or you use it on all the guys who are stalking you."
I thought the words "Cohutta Springs Youth Camp" on my lanyard could have given Mr. Observant a clue as to which of those options was true, but I patiently and positively explained that I worked at a summer camp just down the road.
"I haven't heard of it. I just came to the area to start a business with one of my buddies. You'd think I'm a bad person if I told you what kind of business it is though."
I wasn't sure if that was an invitation to ask, so I didn't, and tried to turn away again. He moved closer.
"What are you doing when you're not working at summer camp?"
I considered using my whistle on him. Instead, I told him I go to school in Michigan.
"What part of Michigan? I was born in Michigan!"
Could the cashier be any slower? I like people, and I usually don't mind chatting it up with strangers, but something about this guy just made me uncomfortable.
Finally, after a few more cheesy joke attempts, it was my turn and I moved up to the checkout, thinking we were done.
"Don't mess up her change - she'll blow that whistle on you!" he said to the cashier. I smiled weakly.
After I paid, I grabbed the groceries from the bagger and made a beeline for my car. I noticed my bright blue Michigan license plate. What was I thinking, telling this weirdo where I live?
As I was unloading the bags into the back of my station wagon, I saw him heading across the parking lot toward me. I started searching for my keys so I could put them between my fingers and punch him in the face if he tried anything. Yeah, I've read those email forwards about creepy guys in parking lots.
"Hey Tiffany, Samantha, Allison.....?"
I assumed he was talking to me and reluctantly turned around. He was holding a postcard sized piece of paper and handed it to me.
"Come get a free drink at the coffee shop I'm opening. It's just down the road in Chatsworth - the Bikini Beani. Unfortunately for you, it's Hooters' style, you know, all the waitresses are Beani Babes and wear bikinis and stuff... But there's a drive through!"
Oh good. If I don't see it, I won't have to be offended and demeaned by it. In fact, maybe I'll even continue to support such an establishment after the drinks are no longer free.
Thanks...but no, thanks.
Yeah, you are too skinny to be eating all that cake and chips.
And also, that guy does sound weird.
Mercy. As Jeff Harper used to say (maybe he still does, I really have no idea) "I love people." But you have to say it with a bit of sarcasm, fused with some nonchalance and a genuine amusment at the human race. I think it would be appropriate for this situation.
All right fine. But was the coffee decent?
I hope this story makes it in your birthday book. You have my deepest sympathy/empathy. I hate that feeling when you just said something and you're like, dang it, I should NOT have told him that. Anyway, keep those keys and whistles handy... :)
And...happy birthday! :)
SMUCKOO
I give you this word as a gift for your birthday. It is the verification word for this post and it totally blows out of the water what I was actually going to say to celebrate your birthday. Have a smuckoo birthday, Amanda! I think you're pretty smuckoo!
Smuckoo-ya later! :)
hahahhahah
amanda I pictured you the whole time while reading this. when are you coming to the nw? i would love to see you. love it. love emily
Happy Birthday,
Is this the only way I can congratulate you on another year of life?
I wish you had reception...
Miss Jehle, yet another wonderful story! You are so lucky, you have such a great collection.
Oh Amanda... it's a wonder to me how these things always happen to you.
I miss you friend! When is your day off? Maybe we can get some chat time in soon.
SO FUNNY! The whole key thing I totally related to that. I have done that a few times in fear that someone may attack me. LOL but he offered a coupon that is brilliant. Also, I wish I knew what you were thinking sometimes. You do keep it all in way too well.
I wish you would have blown your whistle at him. Just for fun. :)
oh, jehle! i miss you and your crazy stories. thanks for sharing this one. have you considered caring mace on grocery runs. I wouldn't have thought it necessaryin Crandall GA, but I guess I was wrong...
poor amanda- i am so sorry for you! i do have to admit that it made for a pretty amusing story though :) you did a wonderful job of dealing politely with the creep though and i applaud you for that!
got some interesting characters floating around in crandall. anyways, thanks for all of your nice comments in response to some of my recent challenges, you are the best!