Jan
03
My family isn’t a big movie-watching family; I can probably count on two hands how many movies we’ve watched together. But the finger for one particular movie would have to be really fat, because we've seen it sooo many times. Every Christmas Eve for as long as I can remember, we've watched It’s a Wonderful Life after we finish presents. And every year, we all end up sniffling and wiping our eyes.You might think we’re silly; after all, if you’ve actually made it all the way through, you know the movie has a happy ending. But George Bailey pays a sacrificial price for his wonderful life, and every year I cry for the dreams he gave up to improve the lives of the people around him.
This year, the movie made me a bit uncomfortable because I related to it more than ever before. Young and craving adventure, I'm inclined to say like George, “I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the year after that.” But people keep telling me that’s not how life works; you can’t plan it out like that. And that stresses me out a little. I have a lot I want to do, and I feel like I need to be strategic in order to fit it all in. Then again, I wonder if I would want to plan it out like that if I could. It seems that our dreams change along with us, and sometimes what we want turns out to be so different from what we once thought.
*****
I spent New Year’s Day with my grandparents. We were looking for some of my dad’s high school basketball pictures, and in the process looked through album after album of family photos. There was a whole box of “Amanda” pictures. Luckily I was really cute when I was little. Before you think I’m bragging, I’ll be the first to admit that things went downhill quickly when I went to school and I thought braces and glasses were the ultimate fashion statement and my idea of a cool hairstyle involved lots of fluffy bangs.Speaking of big hair, when we finally got to my dad’s pictures, we found one of his teacher who had a huge beehive. That will forever be the most mysterious hairstyle in my mind; how in the world did they make that happen? Also, my dad had hair. Not enough for a beehive, but there was still some on the top of his head. Weird.
As we kept going back in time, the pictures kept getting less colorful, but much more interesting. My favorite ones were of my grandparents when they were my age. There were a bunch of pictures of my grandpa being silly, and quite a few of my grandparents when they were dating. There was a whole page labeled “going steady for 6 months.” My grandpa played a lot of baseball, and one of my favorites was a picture of him in his uniform with his bat. He’d written on it “To Pat, my favorite fan – Love, Lee.” When I commented on this, my aunt said that Grandpa and written Grandma a whole book of poetry!
These pictures blew my mind. Grandpa does not seem like the type to take goofy pictures, and I can’t even fathom him writing Grandma poetry. In fact, I don’t think I have ever seen them exchange a loving gesture or even a complimentary word. Although I haven’t witnessed this myself, I’ve heard tales of Grandma chasing him around the house with a frying pan.
Pictures can be deceiving, but these were definitely taken before the days of photoshop. They seemed like pretty concrete evidence that my grandparents had been in love at one time. And apparently Grandpa had been good enough at baseball that he tried out for the major leagues.
I think it was so hard for me to understand these pictures because now my grandparents seem to have lives that are pretty difficult and not very happy. It had never occurred to me that they once had dreams for the future and strong feelings of love for each other.
*****
*****
When I was 5, I wanted to be a queen.When I was 9, I wanted to be an elementary school teacher.
When I was 13, I wanted to be a math teacher.
When I was 15, I wanted to be an interior designer (a drastic change!)
When I was 17, I wanted to be a counselor.
Now I am 24.
I want to be a missionary and live abroad.
I want to teach ESL at the university level.
I want to develop an ESL curriculum for churches and train people to use it.
I want to write a book or two.
I want to be a wife and a mom.
But maybe I still I don’t really know what I want - except that I want it to be wonderful.
*****
I don’t like to think of having to give up some of my dreams; of course I’d rather do them all. But maybe I'll grow out of some, and maybe some will have to be sacrificed while pursuing others. I just know that when my grand kids see pictures of me when I was young, I don’t want them to be surprised that I had dreams once.
Maybe the ability to keep dreaming is the ultimate dream. After that is being a queen. :) My advice (though I dislike that word) is to not be afraid to dream just because your dreams might change. In the journey of pursuing your dreams, as you pursue God first, I think you will realize dreams beyond what you could dream. That sounds confusing. Good luck. :)
Oh, wow.
I'd say that this was deep AND profound... at least, it touched me in a profound way. "I just know that when my grand kids see pictures of me when I was young, I don’t want them to be surprised that I had dreams once." Yeah. For reals.
Living in a vehicle has been a dream of mine for a long time. Some dreams do come true. Yeah, you're right, some don't, but dream on, because some do, and the ones that seem far fetched just may happen later in life.
Wow. This one is so good. There's so much I want to say in response! But I don't want to post a blog-long comment. So I'll just say that this blog is wonderful and I relate.
I'm reading "Waking the Dead" right now by John Eldredge. It relates really well to your blog--you should check it out.
PS-For Christmas I got a decorative sign that reads: "It's a Wonderful Life." Come see it soon!
This one is worth a phone call. Really really really good. Maybe I should go ahead and watch that movie sometime...
I remember watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” in Prague with you. I distinctly remember you telling me that your father cries ever year. I think it is good to cry and I think it is even better to dream.
Man Amanda... my heart literally started to beat faster as I read further and further down, because I knew you were about to say something that was going to stir up things deep in my soul. Me too friend, me TOO. Let's still make stories and memories together when we're old...something illegal maybe.
Wow.
When I say I can relate...I CAN RELATE.
Let's keep dreaming Jahle, let's just keep dreaming-better than not doing it right?
Thanks for those profound thoughts.
you were pretty cute as a kid, and dont worry you werent that bad in school either, i always remember being jealous of you because you had blond hair and blue eyes and always got to be the angel for the christmas play ;). i have also watched it is a wonderful life more times than i can count, but have never actually sat back and thought about what it really means. i guess i have just always felt bad for george like his brother ended up getting the better half of the deal. but it is so true, dreams really do change with time i think and does what is really important to us. i hope that i dont fight with the changes of life, but embrace them, but also hope that i dont ever just give up on all of dreams either....seems like my grandparents are a lot like that too, dont worry we will break the trend! also need to take some more fun pictures when i get back for them to look at later!
Oh Amanda. First of all I like to say how I like your blog format. It´s like a really cool book. Second I want to say that your close to making the dream come true about the book writing. Third dreams aren´t something we conjure up on our own. I think they are God given and as long God is an active and living part of our lives we will never stop dreaming and they will keep coming true. I really liked your thought provoking blog and I hope to write like you someday!